Scarlett's Will

leaning against a wall as I sat on the floor. Strange Love played and I thought Ryan was Buddy. He sat beside me, his arm around my shoulder as he kissed me. In my delirium I wrapped my arms around him, sitting on his lap, I kissed him like I kissed Buddy. He offered his place to me and I moved in with him in November.
I wish I could tell you what I did during the day but I really don’t remember. He ran a party house. There was always someone there with drugs or alcohol. I lived in a bit of a daze. I didn’t like being in a relationship though. I didn’t love Ryan. I flirted more than he liked. After one of our fights I left him. I gathered what little I owned and a full bottle of vodka, then walked out on him.
I was so drunk that I slept in the first place I could find, an unlocked storage shed in the park on my way to a friend's house. I just passed out once I closed the door. Thankfully it was insulated and I had been with it enough to grab my boots and a winter jacket. The next day I walked to the arcade where I met up with Sam. He offered me a bed at his place. I accepted his offer because I couldn't shake the coldness that I felt. I needed sleep and a shower desperately. I sold my body for a hot shower. This only made me feel worse, like I betrayed Buddy twice now. I convinced myself that he would never want me again.
After that night I accepted the fact that I was just a ghost of my former self, the person Buddy had loved was gone. After that night I continued to follow the party. I think I went a month waking up just to get my next fix. My birthday came and went. I believe Ryan actually gave me a cupcake and I went home with him. A cupcake was all it took for him to get me back. It didn’t last long though. I had to get out.
In a moment of somewhat clarity I decided that I had to leave this town. I couldn’t imagine running into a teacher, or an old friend or my mother. I had to go to the city. Cassandra had already moved there with her boyfriend and told me to come stay with her. I boarded the bus at five thirty on a cold January morning. I sat down and took out my journal. I wrote an entry about my disgust in myself, my absolute shame in what I have done. I wanted to believe I could turn this around, but I didn’t know how. I turned to the page where I wrote Buddy’s address. His phone number was below it. I wanted to call him. The police wouldn’t follow me now. My father doesn’t care where I go anymore. I considered calling him as soon as I got off the bus. I could call him and just tell him I miss him. I won’t expect him to come get me. I wiped the tears from my eyes as the bus pulled into the downtown Toronto station.
I paced back and forth in front of the bus station. Just as I felt I had built up enough nerve to find a payphone I heard Cassandra shout my name.
“Scarlett Rayne, I can’t believe you’re here! Let’s go party,” she squealed. I smiled as she ran to me. Her bouncy curly sandy blond hair and her big wide eyes were so nice to see. I sunk into her embrace, letting her lead me to the subway. We got off at the Spadina stop. I thought I’d stay with Cas for a few days and get my head straight, then I’d call Buddy.
Cas lived in another party house, I must be attracted to them. Free drugs and alcohol surrounded me night after night, never seeming to dry up. A few days turned into a few weeks, after a month or so there I remember waking up one morning just wearing a tiny black tee shirt and my red lace panties. Thankfully I was alone on a couch, but I couldn’t remember whose couch. I wasn’t at Cassandra’s house anymore. I stood up quickly and looked around. Lighting a smoke, I took a drag as I walked through the living room to the kitchen. It was an older house, I felt the drafts and the floor seemed to groan with my steps. I threw back a shot of vodka that was sitting on the kitchen counter.
“Cas?” I shouted, a little frightened now.
“Hey, Scar, in here,” I heard her shout back. I walked down a hallway that led to a bedroom, where I found her lying on a bed, laughing with some guy I have never seen before.
“Hey, who is this?” I asked her angrily. Wondering where her boyfriend was and why we were here.
“You met Mike last night, after I broke up with Johnny, we ran into Mike and Brett. We came back here and so, um here we are,” she said laughing. I had no idea what time it was but I could tell she was completely messed up on something.
“Um, so where’s Brett?” I dared to ask.
“Last time I saw him he was in you,” she said, bursting out laughing. I didn't see the humor in this. I prayed she was lying.
“I can’t remember a thing,” I mumbled as I rubbed my forehead. Mike sat up and reached for my hand, pulling me onto the bed with them. He lights what I think is a joint and offers it to me. I take it and quickly feel the room spin. This is not normal.
After a few nights at Mike’s place Cas tells me she needs to leave him. “There’s something