The Alchemist
have your testimonies built on!Re-enter 3 Neighbour, with his tools. 3 Neighbour Is Jeremy come!
1 Neighbour O yes; you may leave your tools;
We were deceived, he says.2 Neighbour He has had the keys;
And the door has been shut these three weeks.3 Neighbour Like enough.
Lovewit Peace, and get hence, you changelings.
Enter Surly and Mammon. Face Aside. Surly come!
And Mammon made acquainted! They’ll tell all.
How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?
Nothing’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.Pertinax Surly No, sir, he was a great physician. This,
It was no bawdyhouse, but a mere chancel!
You knew the lord and his sister.Sir Epicure Mammon Nay, good Surly.—
Pertinax Surly The happy word, Be Rich—
Sir Epicure Mammon Play not the tyrant.—
Pertinax Surly “Should be today pronounced to all your friends.”
And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,
That should have been golden flagons, and great wedges?Sir Epicure Mammon Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors,
Methinks!Pertinax Surly Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.
Sir Epicure Mammon Rogues,
He and Surly knock.
Cozeners, imposters, bawds!Face What mean you, sir?
Sir Epicure Mammon To enter if we can.
Face Another man’s house!
Here is the owner, sir: turn you to him,
And speak your business.Sir Epicure Mammon Are you, sir, the owner?
Lovewit Yes, sir.
Sir Epicure Mammon And are those knaves within your cheaters!
Lovewit What knaves, what cheaters?
Sir Epicure Mammon Subtle and his Lungs.
Face The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs,
Nor lights have been seen here these three weeks, sir,
Within these doors, upon my word.Pertinax Surly Your word,
Groom arrogant!Face Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,
And know the keys have not been out of my hands.Pertinax Surly This is a new Face.
Face You do mistake the house, sir:
What sign was’t at?Pertinax Surly You rascal! This is one
Of the confederacy. Come, let’s get officers,
And force the door.Lovewit ’Pray you stay, gentlemen.
Pertinax Surly No, sir, we’ll come with warrant.
Sir Epicure Mammon Ay, and then
We shall have your doors open.Exeunt Mammon and Surly. Lovewit What means this?
Face I cannot tell, sir.
1 Neighbour These are two of the gallants
That we do think we saw.Face Two of the fools!
Your talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,
I think the moon has crazed ’em all.—
Aside.
O me,Enter Kastril. The angry boy come too! He’ll make a noise,
And ne’er away till he have betrayed us all.Kastril Knocking.
What rogues, bawds, slaves, you’ll open the door, anon!
Punk, cockatrice, my sister! By this light
I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore
To keep your castle—Face Who would you speak with, sir?
Kastril The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain,
And puss my sister.Lovewit This is something, sure.
Face Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.
Kastril I have heard all their tricks told me twice over,
By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.Lovewit Here comes another.
Enter Ananias and Tribulation. Face Ananias too!
And his pastor!Tribulation Wholesome Beating at the door.
The doors are shut against us.Ananias Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!
Your stench it is broke forth; abomination
Is in the house.Kastril Ay, my sister’s there.
Ananias The place,
It is become a cage of unclean birds.Kastril Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.
Tribulation Wholesome You shall do well.
Ananias We’ll join to weed them out.
Kastril You will not come then, punk devise, my sister!
Ananias Call her not sister; she’s a harlot verily.
Kastril I’ll raise the street.
Lovewit Good gentlemen, a word.
Ananias Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!
Exeunt Ananias, Tribulation, and Kastril. Lovewit The world’s turned Bedlam.
Face These are all broke loose,
Out of St. Katherine’s, where they use to keep
The better sort of mad-folks.1 Neighbour All these persons
We saw go in and out here.2 Neighbour Yes, indeed, sir.
3 Neighbour These were the parties.
Face Peace, you drunkards! Sir,
I wonder at it: please you to give me leave
To touch the door, I’ll try an the lock be changed.Lovewit It mazes me!
Face Goes to the door. Good faith, sir, I believe
There’s no such thing: ’tis all deceptio visus.—
Aside.
Would I could get him away.Dapper Within. Master Captain! Master Doctor!
Lovewit Who’s that?
Face Aside. Our clerk within, that I forgot!
I know not, sir.Dapper Within. For God’s sake, when will her Grace be at leisure?
Face Ha!
Illusions, some spirit o’ the air—
Aside. His gag is melted,
And now he sets out the throat.Dapper Within. I am almost stifled—
Face Aside. Would you were altogether.
Lovewit ’Tis in the house.
Ha! List.Face Believe it, sir, in the air.
Lovewit Peace, you.
Dapper Within. Mine aunt’s Grace does not use me well.
Subtle Within. You fool,
Peace, you’ll mar all.Face Speaks through the keyhole, while Lovewit advances to the door unobserved.
Or you will else, you rogue.Lovewit O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!—
Come, sir. No more of your tricks, good Jeremy.
The truth, the shortest way.Face Dismiss this rabble, sir.—
Aside. What shall I do? I am catched.Lovewit Good neighbours,
I thank you all. You may depart.Exeunt Neighbours. —Come, sir,
You know that I am an indulgent master;
And therefore conceal nothing. What’s your medicine,
To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl?Face Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit—
But here’s no place to talk on’t in the street.
Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,
And only pardon me the abuse of your house:
It’s all I beg. I’ll help you to a widow,
In recompence, that you shall give me thanks for,
Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.
’Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak:
I have her within. You need not fear the house;
It was not visited.Lovewit But by me, who came
Sooner than you expected.Face It is true, sir.
’Pray you forgive me.Lovewit Well: let’s see your widow.
Exeunt. Scene II
A room in